The Wrong Number

So.  Y'know.  When I had questions about products or how to fix something, I never thought of calling a department store.  Honestly, it surprises me how many phone calls I get on a daily basis for inquiries about the best Tupperware or how to patch a hole in the drywall using only dryer sheets.

Unfortunately, since I am a female and am obviously waiting for some complete stranger to waltz in and scuzz up my life, I get phone calls like this...

Customer: Hey! Could you help me out? Your automated phone system is terrible! You need to fix it! I used to push zero so I could talk to a pretty young girl and now it's all numbers!
Me: Sir, I'll get right on that the next time corporate asks me to program the phones.
Him: You're with corporate??
Me: ...no, I'm in the store. But corporate makes all our computer program-y decisions.
Him: Oh. *laughs* Well, I'm glad you'll help me. You sound like a pretty young girl. Maybe I should take you out for a nice dinner, some champagne, nice times by the fireplace... What's your name, sweetie?
Me: ...did you have a question I could help you with, sir?
Him: Oh, nevermind. I'll just record your voice! I'll find you, honey, don't worry. NOW! What's your longest decking screw?
Me: Regular decking screw? Four inches.
Him: Oh, that ain't long enough for you. I'll come in later tonight. See you soon!


I.  Am.  So.  Charmed.

Tomatoes

Dear person who stole the tomatoes off of my tomato plant:

I hope you suddenly develop an allergy to tomatoes. I hope you have to go the ER. I hope there's a long line and you're there until five am. I hope your insurance is expired. I hope you have to work at seven. I hope your boss is a jerk and fires you for your latest call-off. I hope your cat pees on your pillow while you're on the phone with your boss so you can't even go back to sleep.

And while you sit there with your hive-swollen face, stained pillow and bleak future...I hope you'll think of me who really freaking hates you right now.

Sincerely,
Me